I am powerless. I've spent many years of my life trying to convince myself otherwise. But lately, I’ve realized that I have no power. Not one single, solitary ounce of it.
Ben comes home late and I am sure to let him know how inconvenienced I am. Sophie is relentless with whining and I fire back in frustration with hurtful words. I knock over ten cans at the grocery store and let that swear word slip out. Then follows the self-hate talk. “Why did you say those things again? Last time you promised you wouldn’t make Ben feel bad for something out of his control... How could you speak like that to your two-year-old?... You just can’t do anything right. What kind of wife… what kind of mom… what kind of Christian are you?”
The theme of my life lately as been how weak I am. With this pregnancy I have been completely drained. I have never felt so exhausted and find myself wondering every morning how I will make it through work or the day of caring for my kids. I even fear slipping back into the depression that I've been gloriously set free from. Yet through those weaknesses, Christ has gently been speaking to me of HIS power. I have daily been praying for him to fill me up, but even through those prayers I’ve still been fighting the onslaught of “you’re not good enoughs” running through my mind.
And then came the conference. This was the 4th year for the Women Walking With God conference at my church. The theme this year was “By His Power.” All those gentle whispers from over the past few weeks suddenly became shouts as Christ spoke directly to my heart. With a verse I’ve read a million times before (2 Cor 4:7), he opened my eyes to new truths. You see, I AM a cracked pot. I am a fragile jar of clay that is completely and utterly destructible. There’s nothing I can do about it; that is the vessel God chose for me – chose for us all – when he made us. I am broken, I am weak, I am nothing.
But there is much more to the story. I am not enough, but HE fills me, HE is what is seen through all those holes in my façade. His light radiates through! I am powerless. But HE IS POWER.
For it truly was not of me to have the grace to simply say, “Okay, thanks for letting me know,” with the last minute warning that Ben’s Bible study was at our house last night. It was not my will that caused me to pause, breathe, and respond with tender words when Sophie’s plate full of peas hit the floor at lunch today. It certainly was not my humanness that spoke reminders to my heart of how I am a princess of the KING before yet another tear slipped from these eyes over this pregnant body.
Join me in praying for His power today. It is exhilerating to feel him at work. You have but to ask... he is waiting to do more than you can imagine.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
What did the kids learn? It's good to listen to Mommy's instructions. There's value in helping each other. It can be so much fun to do chores!
What did Mommy learn? Next time I'll be laying on the couch with a book for ten uninterrupted minutes of me-time instead of holding the camera. What was I thinking?!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Yesterday marked 21 weeks for me. Just over half-way there. Yay! I am a summer girl and normally say the hotter the better. However, this will be one summer I'll be anxious to get through quickly.
Me at 21 weeks with Sophie:
At 19.5 weeks with Will:
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
We hope your Easter was as fabulous as ours. The weather was amazing (I'm sorry to tell my Alaska friends that the 70's and 80's are pretty much here to stay for awhile), and the kids had so much fun!
Little guy getting his basket of goodies when he woke up:
All decked out!
After we ate lunch, Will was down for the count. So, Soph got all our attention and she ate it up. Plus, this was the first year that she really LOVED hunting for eggs. It was so much fun to watch her.
In all the fun, it was nice to stop this morning to remember that Christ rose today. What hope that thought brings me! He is alive and all of my horrible sins are washed away. Praise Him!!